We're going to be okay

Sleep is nowhere to be seen tonight, as I sift through a mix of emotions ranging from sadness and regret to peacefulness and excitement.

Maybe all it takes to get through the hard moments is one full-fledged venting session, releasing all of our doubts and our fears, and letting the things that cause anxiety fade to the back of our minds. Because today I am feeling much more hopeful about the state of things in general, and I am filled with a holiday spirit that is almost impossible to contain!

A snowy Saturday
The day began in quite the normal way.

I rolled out of bed in a leisurely manner and took my time to get acquainted with the morning, pursuing nothing more than a hot latte before 10 a.m. After taking in that comforting cup of java on the couch while admiring our beautiful Christmas tree, I lept to my feet in with the hope of getting a computer to replace our broken laptop and as many gifts as I could possibly find in one shopping trip.

I'll spare you the details of said shopping trip, as mundane as they are, except to say that after swiftly reaching my first destination, I was sent on a wild goose chase.


For some reason, during this particular season, everything I have tried to shop for has been out of stock at the time I tried to buy it! And I'm not even talking about clothing retail. I just can't believe how hard it has been for me to acquire the gifts I have in mind for the people on my list this year.

In a day's time, I made one thorough spin around the Twin Cities — both of them — in pursuit of the out-of-stock gifts. The end result is that I obtained just two items, and it took me more than 5 hours and a fair amount of driving stress to do so.

Still, the gift I bought for Matt is just perfect! The box is bigger than I anticipated, which will make his present a beast to wrap, but I know he will be thrilled when he figures out what waits inside!

I love that feeling! And I love our life, in the form it takes today.

Our quiet space
Today is one of those days when our relationship is at its strongest. Though we have both been affected with spells of shyness in public since the accident, today we were both feeling confident and independent. We knew what it was that we needed in order to be the best versions of ourselves, and we achieved the very same.

For him, that usually means quiet time to think and write, outside of the demands of daily life, and for me, that usually means time out about town, doing the boisterous things that true extroverts do best. While I was out Christmas shopping — something that was a favorite pastime for me before enduring this hardship — Matt was, no doubt, reading and writing and enjoying his rare opportunity to be home.

We reunited after our separate endeavors during the evening — smiling, laughing, cooking and dancing, on and off, to seasonal tunes in front of our Christmas tree.

We also spent quite a bit of time tonight in our newly rearranged office space.

The office is not a huge room, but our goal for this space has always been to provide solace from our stress and an escape from the daily grind. During the summer, we spent most of our time in the room painting canvases. Later, we acquired a fancy writing desk, and later still, we found a desk chair to match. Now, we have added a comfy futon that has, somehow, opened up space and made the room whole. 

Not only that, but the rearranged space is warmer and more inviting. I have even found almost enough closet space to store all of our art! (Finished canvases once dominated the room and are now slightly more contained — quite a feat, if you ask me.)

All of this blogging has amounted to some fairly materialistic rambling, but the bottom line is the result that we have created with this space. This evening, as we sat on our new futon, we finally felt the peace that this room has the potential to offer.

Peace and solitude
The blinds were closed to keep the cold at bay, with just enough room to peek for signs of the coming snowstorm. Just beyond these, the soft glow of a warm lamp lit the room and the solid oak wood of the desk. Farther inside the room, our puppy was snuggled up on the futon, sleeping on the soft new seating to wear the furniture in.

Here in this room, we have found space to write, space to read, space to paint, space to be alone, and space to be with each other. Most of all, the room is capable of relaxing our minds, to help each of us answer the "quietest needs" that arise each day. (Reference to a phrase from "Eternal on the Water.")

In tonight's evening hours alone, we shared in this room our hopes and fears, and our faith that the holidays can still hold special meaning for us, even though we are hurting so deeply.

My husband told me that we are going to be okay, not once mentioning the long nights I have spent crying and the stressful talks that have kept us up almost every night since late November. He reaffirmed his love for me, as he does all the time, in strong and meaningful ways, and he hugged me with a warmth the two of us have been grasping for blindly through the last few months.

From his words and from his reassuring smile, I came to recognize how strong we have been for each other these many months and how much joy I am still able to bring to his life, even in the midst of my grief.

We're going to be okay.